


Claudette and Pauline: Shakespeare's Hamlet in Suburbia

by hamletdressedinblack



Category: Hamlet - All Media Types, Hamlet - Shakespeare, SHAKESPEARE William - Works
Genre: A satire on suburban life set in Shakespeare's Hamlet, Claudius and Gertrude are genderbent, Claudius is Claudette, F/F, F/M, It is better than it sounds, M/M, Multi, Polonius is Pauline, So is Polonius
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-01
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-04-30 11:41:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14496213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hamletdressedinblack/pseuds/hamletdressedinblack
Summary: A retelling of Shakespeare's Hamlet set in America's suburbia. Claudius and Polonius are genderbent as Claudette and Pauline, two upper middle class soccer moms. It's Hamlet, but with soccer mom shenanigans thrown in the mix of Shakespeare's quintessential tragedy.*This is based off a Tumblr post that is credited in the prologue of the story! This is a satire!*





	Claudette and Pauline: Shakespeare's Hamlet in Suburbia

**Author's Note:**

> This is a retelling of Hamlet but they live in upper middle class suburbia, and this is written from the third person omniscient point of view, focusing on “Pauline” (Polonius) and “Claudette” (Claudius) as the main characters who tell Hamlet in their own way. Kind of like Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead, except with a Desperate Housewives aesthetic, satire a la mode, and all kinds of tomfoolery.
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> Link to the Tumblr post that inspired it all: https://hamletdressedinblack.tumblr.com/post/163894250894/mdmshakespeare-princehalsdaddyissues 
> 
> (Content Warning for this chapter: Classism.)

A/N: This is based off a Tumblr post I reblogged and liked, and included my own funny tidbits. You can find it in the notes. (Giving credit where credit is due!)

-Prologue-

“Pauline!” Claudette hissed as she read the time on her iPhone. “You are going to make us late to my own husband’s birthday party! And for what? An overrated McDonald’s commodity? Sweetie, we don’t have time!”

Pauline waved Claudette off with her right hand, scoffing at Claudette. “Oh, don’t get your undies in a twist! It’ll be five minutes at the most. You know that when I get thirsty, I become such a witch!”

“Yeah, you haven’t had sex in years.” Claudette murmured quietly, taking Pauline’s comment in the manner in which her teenage children would.

“Come again?” Pauline said, her voice going up half an octave.

Claudette sighed. “Nothing. Just get your damn sweet tea and let’s get out of here.”

Claudette looked out the window of Pauline’s van. Thankfully, the soft hum of John Mayer from the radio drowned out Pauline’s yapping. She didn’t mind Pauline, heck, they were the best of friends. Sometimes, they were complete opposites. Pauline was more conservative in her views, while Claudette leaned more right of center. Pauline, a nondenominational Christian, egged Claudette sometimes about going to church. Claudette was agnostic more than anything, and found Pauline to be overwhelming when it came to religion.

The two were childhood friends, and they vowed to live in the same neighborhood and raise their families together. Their wish came true. Living right next door to one another, 1602 and 1603 Elsinore Avenue, their lives intertwined on the daily. Both of the women could not have been happier with their life choices. Claudette had her husband, Hamlet Sr. with their only teenage son Hamlet Jr., a senior in high school. Pauline was widowed, raising her teenage children Laertes, also a senior in high school along with her daughter Ophelia, a sophomore in high school. Everything seemed so fairytale-like. But today, all of that would change dramatically.

“Earth to Claudette! Do you want something before I order?” Pauline asked, bringing Claudette back to reality with Pauline’s nasally question.

“Pauline! That was a tad too loud to my liking! Let’s use our indoor voice!” Claudette chided, irritated at Pauline’s question. She made it sound so… urgent, like the time where Pauline egged Claudette to get her advance tickets to see Nicholas Sparks’ The Choice. 

“Umm, not today, Pauline. We have my husband’s birthday party to get to, remember?” she sighed, checking her phone again. There was a text message from Hamlet Sr.

Honey, where are you at? We need more hands to set up the shindig! -Hamlet Sr.

We’re going to be late, dear. Pauline’s sad sweet tea addiction is holding us up. We will be there as soon as we can. -Claudette

Pauline rolled up the van’s window. “Well, I ordered my sweet tea. Five minutes, okay? Everything will be okay.”

Claudette sighed and closed her eyes as she tried to focus on the next song that played on the radio. Taylor Swift, you are my one thing that will get me through this madness! Claudette thought, hearing the first notes of “Look What You Made Me Do” trickle into the van’s radio.

“By the way, how much are the sweet teas? I want to pay with exact change this time.” Pauline asked a very frustrated Claudette.

“A dollar?” Claudette responded, not sure if McDonald’s taxed their sweet teas or not. “It isn’t expensive, that’s all I know.”

“Excellent! I have exactly one dollar on me without using my Visa!” Pauline clapped her hands together in delight.

“Woo. One dollar. Pauline, you sound like you need help. No one gets thrilled over using exact change, maybe except poor people.” Claudette rolled her eyes. “Did you even look at the total on the drive-thru screen? Yeah, I know you didn’t because your perception is terrible. It’s the truth, sweetie.”

“Well Claudette, I’m going to prove you wrong. One dollar! One single dollar bill! Where is your deity now? Oh wait, you won’t let God into your heart!” Pauline exasperated, driving up to the pay window.

“Pauline, not now. Pay your sweet tea and let’s skedaddle.” Claudette said, holding her composure. She had to keep her cool. She just had to. If anyone saw through her, she would be in deep trouble.

“Hello ma’am! That will be one dollar and seven cents for the sweet tea.” replied the cashier, a young woman by the name of Viola.

Pauline looked at Viola with a look that could kill. “Excuse me, did you say one dollar and seven cents?”

“Loud and clear, ma’am.” Viola said evenly, knowing these sort of customers. Middle aged women who will inevitably ask for a manager. Viola thought Pauline fit the stereotype to a tee, knowing deep down it applied to her.

“Look, I think you made a mistake. The sign outside of the restaurant CLEARLY states that sweet teas are one dollar. A single dollar. Which idiot do I need to chew out for misinforming me?” Pauline barked. Viola still remained calm.

Viola, I wonder how you manage to be so serene when my best friend is acting like a total bitch, wondered Claudette.

“Ma’am, let me get you a manager.” Viola said, turning around, then turning back to face Pauline, a smile on her face.

“Hello, my name is Viola Hathaway, the general manager of this McDonald’s. I sensed you were dissatisfied with our sign that unfortunately mislead you into thinking our sweet teas were just one dollar. Well, with the sugar tax, that is seven cents. One dollar and seven cents is what we charge our sweet teas in total. Now, in the distant future you decide to get our sweet teas, remember that they are one dollar and seven cents. I do not make the prices up. Now ma’am, either find some pennies that will cover the tax, or pay with your card. There are people waiting in line and we must consider their needs as well. Do you have any further questions?” Viola concluded, knowing full well she stumped Pauline and her ridiculous tantrum.

Pauline did not answer. She forked the card over to Viola, who made the transaction. Viola returned the card with the receipt, with Pauline snatching it from her hand.

“Have a nice day!” Viola smiled, her voice suggesting that she won this battle.

Pauline drove to the window where the server handed the people in the drive-thru their orders. As the server handed her the sweet tea and the straw, she snatched it from the server’s hand.

“I will NOT be frequenting this McDonald’s anytime soon! You people think getting a pay raise is a good idea? Why don’t you get a REAL job, and then complain to me about getting a pay raise!” was the last thing Pauline shouted to the server (and to any other worker who could hear her) through her van.

“Pauline, lighten up. It was your fault for not thinking logically.” Claudette sighed, checking her phone for the time. 5:30 P.M. They had thirty minutes before the party started. She wanted to curse at Pauline, but she took no risks. A Pauline without her daily sweet tea was a pissy Pauline.

“Claudette, sweetie, walk in my shoes for a moment. They clearly disrespected me.” Pauline defended herself, turning the van in the direction to go back to the houses.

In those shoes? So last season! Claudette exclaimed quietly in her mind. Instead, she replied with:

“Yes, Pauline. They hate you. I am appalled and shocked.”

Pauline smirked. “Glad we are on the same page. Now, let’s party!”


End file.
